You're Welcome
by Self-Inflicted Insanity
Summary: Lucifer didn't fall from Heaven. He jumped. (It was so boring up there.) [Or: Lucifer does everything on purpose.]


**AN:** This is a present for a friend, who asked for Lucifer!whump… but it turns out that I can't actually write whump, so I wrote this instead.

And I'll admit also that everyone in the story is a bit OOC, because to be honest I'm not really happy with their canon characterizations. So I wrote them in a way that I liked better.

Some of my character and world interpretations here, though, are actually supported by canon. And then some, of course, are soundly refuted by canon. And some I got directly from canon. And still other things are neither supported nor refuted by canon, and I just kinda pulled out of thin air.

But it doesn't really matter because this is all just for fun, right? At least, I actually had fun writing this fic. And while I don't know if there's anything I can really say for the merit of this story, I at least hope that the person I wrote this story for gets some enjoyment out of it. And maybe that someone else will, too.

If you happen to ship Chiho/Maou though you most definitely won't like this story, because I kind of. Break that ship. For lack of a being able to come up with better phrasing.

* * *

 **You're Welcome**

* * *

They found him on a roof curled up in a ball, his face pressed against his knees, Orba tied up behind him.

"I'm hungry," Urushihara whined, peeking up over his knees at them with his one violet eye that remained unobscured by his sweeping violet bangs. "Can we go home now?"

Maou, Ashiya, Emi, Suzuno, Chiho—they were all staring at him.

"You… defeated Orba?" Emi asked, voice laden with disbelief.

"He asked me to team up again, so I said Yes," Urushihara stated. "And then I punched his lights out. Oh, also," he lifted the bag that had been sitting beside him, "I got your bag back for you, Emi. You're welcome."

Emi snatched the bag from his hand violently enough to make him wince.

Lucifer's hand retracted, joining the other in hugging his legs close to his chest. "As reward for actually working for once can I get something other than a pork bowl?" he asked, his left eye half-lidded with fatigue. "I could really go for some fried chicken right now…"

His stomach rumbled audibly, and he pressed his face against his knees.

"Even Urushihara was more helpful than I was!" Ashiya despaired, collapsing to his knees at Maou's feet. "How can I ever make up for my failures, my Lord?!"

"Oi, stop that," Maou tried to tell him, to no avail.

Suzuno and Chiho were distracted by the drama that was Maou and Ashiya; only Emi was still paying any attention to him. "Urushihara…"

"What?" he mumbled.

"Just shut up," she said.

Urushihara's stomach growled, and he hugged his legs tighter. "You know what? Even a pork bowl from Sugiya's would be great right now."

* * *

Their procession as they walked back was slow and exhausted, Urushihara lagging in the back.

"Geez, what was with that whole bringing-the-moon-closer-to-Sariel thing?" Emi said disdainfully, as police sirens blared along the streets. One of them would likely pick up the trussed-up Olba soon. "That wasn't a very well thought-out plan."

"Are you kidding?" Urushihara said. "It was an extremely well thought-out plan."

Emi glanced back at him in annoyance. "Wow, thanks, Mr. Sarcastic."

Urushihara rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

* * *

Back at their stronghold, Ahiya having stressed himself into an exhausted sleep, Urushihara looked over in the dark at Maou and said, "Not even going to say 'Thank you'?" A splash of moonlight, shining through a crack in the curtains, caught on the violet of his eye and the quirk of his lips. "You would've died."

Submerged in shadow, Maou smiled at him. "Thank you, Urushihara."

Urushihara clasped his hands behind his head and looked up at the ceiling, drawling, "Everybody always seems to forget that there's a reason I was one of your four great demon generals."

"You always were the most crafty," Maou said, and the shadows did almost nothing to dull the sharp edge of his smirk or the cunning glint of his eyes. "The fact that people so readily underestimate you and take you for granted is part of what makes you so dangerous."

"Heh." Urushihara tilted his head to look over at him, his own smirk growing. "I daresay you've been copying me."

Maou shrugged. "Different world, different rules, different tools," he said, lying down on his sleeping mat. He yawned.

Urushihara let out a snicker of amusement. "You're the most adaptive bastard I've ever had the pleasure to meet," he said, and there was something warm in his voice; something that might have been fondness, or might have been admiration, or might have simply been more amusement.

Ashiya, of course, chose that moment to half-regain consciousness. _"_ _Don't call my Lord a bastard!"_ he rasped, lurching into an upright sitting position, but exhaustion was thick in his voice and his face was still ruddy from tears, his eyes bleary.

"Is that all you heard, Ashiya?" Urushihara droned, his eye falling to half-mast. "You have an auditory disorder, and I think it's called 'Selective Hearing.'"

Ashiya struggled to stand. "You ungrateful little—"

"Let it go this time, Ashiya," said Maou, putting a hand on his knee and effectively halting him. "It was an unfortunate word choice, but he didn't mean anything by it."

Ashiya looked at him, his eyes lost and exhaustion-bruised. "My Lord…"

"I'm just socially awkward…" Urushihara mumbled, crawling backwards into his cardboard box, collapsing onto his stomach with his head buried in his arms, his voice becoming muffled. "Don't mind me, I don't know what I'm saying."

"Fine," Ashiya managed, settling back, slowly lying back down on the sleeping mat. "You are forgiven this once. But you should keep in mind not to insult our Lord in the future…" His voice was indistinct with weariness.

"Yeah yeah," Urushihara muttered, and turned his face away from them. "Go back to bed now, will you?"

First Ashiya's breathing evened out, and the Urushihara's, and then it was just Maou, staring up at the dark ceiling listening to the reassuring breaths of his two most trusted demon generals.

When Maou eventually fell asleep, he was still smiling softly.

* * *

Suzuno, Chiho, and Emi had somehow all ended up at their apartment again, Suzuno and Chiho fighting over whose food Maou should eat while Emi opined that neither of them should bother feeding the Dark Lord and it would be better if he just died, which upset Ashiya and caused him to yell at Emi that Maou had saved her several times now and she should be grateful, which caused Emi to yell back at him that she had nothing to thank the Dark Lord for, and their yelling caused Suzuno and Chiho to raise their voices in order to hear each other and to shove their chopsticks more insistently in the face of Maou, who was sitting there looking like he was three seconds from transforming into his demon form and demanding everyone shut up.

Urushihara, for his part, had shut down his computer and crawled into his cardboard box, lying on his stomach with his forehead pressed against one arm while his other hand was pressed over the ear closest to all the shouting.

Chiho and Suzuno shoved their chopsticks insistently in Maou's face again, demanding, "So?! Whose cooking are you going to eat?!" and Maou, glancing over at Urushihara's prone form, raised a hand to say, "Hold it," and got to his feet, walking over and kneeling next to the fallen angel.

"Hey, Urushihara," he said, putting a hand on the teen's shoulder. "Are you doing okay?"

Emi and Ashiya were still yelling at each other, and Chiho and Suzuno had gone back to arguing.

"I swear I'm the only one here who isn't in love with you," Urushihara muttered, his voice muffled and indistinct against the floor.

"Huh?" Maou said. "What did you say?" His expression was puzzled, but there was an shrewd glint in his red-brown eyes that said that he'd heard exactly what the fallen angel had muttered.

"Why are they all so _loud?"_ Urushihara whined, as if that had been what he'd the first time, and raised his face slightly to meet Maou's searching gaze, his expression like that of a cat who'd gotten itself stuck on a flotation device floating in the middle of a pool.

"Beats me," Maou sighed.

Urushihara groaned and dropped his head back onto his arm. "You're the devil king, aren't you?" he muttered. "Can't you get them to shut up?"

"Oi!" Maou yelled, standing up and turning back to everyone else. "You guys know that there's a law about keeping an appropriate decibel level, right?! Are you _trying_ to get us in trouble with the neighbors and the police? We could get arrested for that, you know!"

They were quieter after that, Urushihara could hear himself think enough to actually play on his PASTA console, and Maou, trying to simultaneously mediate the two different disputes, seemed to forget all about what Urushihara had said.

* * *

"How does it make you feel?" Urushihara asked, when Ashiya was off buying groceries and Maou, on one of his rare days off from work, was reading a manga that had apparently been lent to him by one of his colleagues.

"Huh?" Maou said, looking up from the graphic novel. "How does what make me feel?"

Urushihara didn't look away from his computer screen. "The fact that they're all in love with you," he said, scrolling the mouse. "Doesn't it get exhausting?"

"No," Maou said, and grinned smugly. "The best rulers are beloved by their followers. So it just means that I'm an awesome ruler."

"It's not just that kind of love, though," Urushihara said, fingers tapping over the keyboard. "It's also romantic love. Maybe even sexual." He scrolled the mouse again. "You realize that, don't you?"

"Yes," Maou said, still holding up the shounen manga.

Urushihara right-clicked on something, opening another tab. "Do you even understand what that means?"

"Ye—"

"No you don't," Urushihara cut him off, still not looking away from the screen, the blue-white light reflected on the surface of his left eye. "Geez. The _one_ thing in the world you don't seem to have a capacity to understand…" He right-clicked a few more times. "Whatever, don't worry about it. Nothing you can do will change anything, anyway."

Maou's red eyes narrowed slightly. "What are you going to do, Urushihara?"

Urushihara moved the mouse, clicking on something. "I'm going to order you some books about romance—"

"NO ORDERING ANYTHING, URUSHIARA!" Ashiya yelled as he opened the door carrying a bag of groceries under one arm. "WE'RE ALREADY IN A DIRE MONETARY SITUATION BECAUSE OF YOUR SPENDING HABITS!"

"SELECTIVE HEARING!" Urushihara yelped, quickly closing the tabs he'd opened and ducking as Ashiya attempted to grab him by the collar of his shirt. "SELECTIVE HEARING!"

* * *

Maou was at work, and Ashiya was airing out the laundry.

"Say, Ashiya," Urushihara said, leaning back on his arms and tilting his head to look over at him. "You really love Maou-sama, don't you?"

"Yes," Ashiya said easily, hanging up one of Maou's shirts. "I would do anything for my Lord."

"Anything at all?" Urushihara asked.

"Anything," Ashiya confirmed, without hesitation, clipping the shirt in place.

"Even if he doesn't love you back in the same way?" Urushihara asked.

"I am undeserving of my Lord's love," Ashiya said. For a moment he paused, his face slightly downturned, white-blond hair falling into his eyes, a hand closing tightly around the balcony railing. "All I ask for is the honor to serve him until my death."

"Oi oi," Urushihara said, his head tilted at such an angle that it looked liable to fall off his neck. "You're totally crazy."

"It matters not," Ashiya said, letting go of the railing and picking up another article of clothing to set over the clothes line.

"True, I suppose it doesn't," Urushihara said, straightening his head to an angle that was not quite so alarming and pushing himself forward so that he was once more hunched in front of his computers screen. The corner of his lips quirked. "You're not a complete idiot after all, Ashiya," he said, moving his mouse to open an application on the computer. "Maou is unbelievably lucky to have you in his life."

Ashiya smiled and looked down. "Thank you," he said, placing his right hand over his heart and closing his yellow-brown eyes. "I am undeserving."

"You're welcome," Urushihara said, his eyes flicking over the computer screen. He moved the mouse to close the application again. "So say," he ventured, glancing back over at Ashiya, "can I have my game console?"

Ashiya had already opened his eyes again and hung up the next article of clothing. "You already played it for an hour today."

"No I didn't!" Urushihara protested, and Ashiya finally turned from the clothes line to glare at him.

"Did you really think flattering me was enough to make me forget?" he demanded, stalking over. "Or that it would make me feel favorable enough towards you to let you have extra time on that thing?"

"Not at all!" Urushihara yelped, raising his arms in front of his face. "Not at all! Not at all!"

"Get over here and make yourself useful, Urushihara!" Ashiya said, reaching to grab him by the arm, when suddenly the door to the apartment opened.

"I'm back," Maou said, walking in.

"Maou-sama!" Ashiya said, letting go of Urushihara's arm and straightening up to great his lord. "You're home early!"

"Yeah, Kisaki-san asked if I could switch shifts this weekend, so my schedule's a bit different," Maou said, his red-brown eyes flicking between the two of them. "Is something going on?"

Ashiya and Urushihara glanced at each other and then both shook their heads.

"Nothing, Maou-sama," they both said.

* * *

Another day of shadowing Maou around, another day of seeing nothing but a normal day for an especially kindhearted twenty-something year old human male, and Yusa, feeling furious and defeated, was stalking back to the subway station to catch a ride back to her apartment.

She was taking the long route, through the neighborhood park, so she could rant without passerby sending her dirty or frightened looks. It late evening, almost night, and the playground was empty.

"Damn that Maou!" she said, clenching her fists, glaring down at the ground as she punished it with each step. "Why does he have to be so—! So—!" She let out a wordless cry of frustration. "He's supposed to be the _Dark Lord!_ He's supposed to be evil and conniving and enjoying throwing the world into chaos and misery! Not—" She pulled up short on the tanbark, covering her face with her hands. "He's not supposed to be so _nice_." She lowered her arms, her hands clenching into fists again. "What the hell is he playing at?!" she demanded.

"He's not playing at anything. That's just how he is."

"Wha—?!" Emi whirled around to see a familiar figure perched on one of the swings, unmoving, dark hair obscuring half his face. "Urushihara?!" she exclaimed. "What the hell are you doing here?! I thought you weren't allowed outside!"

Urushihara shrugged. "Neither Maou nor Ashiya are at the stronghold at the moment, and what they don't know won't hurt them," he said, his voice as listless and sullen as ever. "Even a NEET like me gets tired of being cooped up inside all the time, you know."

Emi's eyelids lowered in disbelief. "Really."

"Oi," Urushihara said, glaring at her petulantly with his left eye, his chin perched on his knees, "my true form has wings, you know. I always liked flying around." He ducked his head slightly, his long bangs obscuring his face. "Sometimes I miss feeling the wind in my face, and all that cliché stuff," he mumbled, before straightening, saying louder, "Anyways, I like to come to this park," he gestured to their gloaming-drenched surroundings, "'cause it's close and usually empty at this time of evening."

He looked at her reproachfully. "Not my fault you happened to walk through when I was already here."

Emi crossed her arms, looking down at him. "I'm going to tell Maou and Ashiya," she said.

"Oi, do you hate me even more than you hate Maou or something?!" Urushihara demanded, and Emi paused halfway through smirking to blink at him.

Urushihara's outraged expression fell quickly back into one of lassitude. "Or do you actually not hate Maou?"

Emi opened her mouth. "I…"

"Do you wanna know why you can't reconcile the truth about him, Yusa?" Urushihara asked dully. Without waiting for an answer, he continued: "It's 'cause you've got it wrong."

"Huh?!" Emi said, confusion and outrage fighting for dominance on her face.

"About you being the Hero and Maou being the Demon," Urushihara continued. He gestured listlessly. "Well, I mean, technically he _is_ a demon, but that's beside the point. Even back in Ente Isla, he was the same to us now as he is here. He's always cared about his subordinates."

Urushihara leveled his gaze at her, his voice flat. "Why the hell do you think all us demons followed him? He was our ruler not because he was the strongest, or the wisest, or anything like that. He…" the fallen angel looked down, and his hands tightened over his knees. "We followed him because he was passionate. Compassionate. He had high goals for making the demon realm a better place, he had the determination—and later the power—to make those goals realized, and there was a place in his kingdom for everyone. For all of us. For all demons, no matter how lowly, or how half-blooded."

Emi was staring at him, her lips parted in surprise, her eyes wide.

Urushihara shook his head, as if to negate the protests she wasn't voicing: "He's not a conquerer or an evil tyrant, see—he's a leader and a visionary." Urushihara looked back up, pinning her with his left eye, the violet of his iris illuminated briefly by the headlight of a passing car before the darkness leached it back to a gray so dark it swallowed his pupil. "Why the hell do you think he started that war? It wasn't 'cause he wanted more power—it was 'cause he wanted to create a better world for us."

Emi tried to say something, but Urushihara continued mercilessly: "The Demon race would have gone extinct if he hadn't. He needed to terrorize and conquer the human race in order to ensure our survival."

Emi's expression was morphing back into anger, but Urushihara crushed whatever she was about to say, continuing, "Also, I suppose you could say that most of us demons didn't think any better of humans than you all thought of us." He looked at her defiantly. "Certainly we knew your rulers were corrupt, while ours was pristine."

Emi opened her mouth, then closed it again, anger morphing into despair, confusion, realization, indignation, back into anger.

"And take it from a fallen angel," Urushihara said, lips quirking wryly, "the demon world was a whole lot better than heaven."

Emi was still at a loss of what to say and how to react, the conflicting thoughts and feelings evident in her eyes.

Urushihara watched her for a few moments, and then, seeming almost bored of waiting, he continued: "And you were never a hero, Yusa."

Outrage took over Emi's features. "You—!"

"What you are is a rebel," Urushihara said, cutting her off, his statement enough to make her stutter to a pause.

"You've never been defined by doing the _right_ thing, only by fighting against the status quo; whoever's in power," Urushihara said, his tone and expression bored, as if he was only pointing out the most obvious thing in the world. "Which is why you can't make fighting against Maou work anymore—he's no longer the one in power. You're rebelling against the wrong person."

Urushihara waved a hand, the gesture lethargic. "As for Maou," he said, "his greatest skills are his optimism, his determination, his compassion, and his ability to adapt to whatever situation he finds himself in." He moved his gaze from the darkness beyond the warrior back to her face. "Or did you think nothing of that fact that he'd adapted to the human world in a matter of days, while you yourself are still struggling?" he asked.

Emi spluttered, incoherent with rage.

"His character hasn't changed any from Ente Isle," Urushihara said. "He's only adapted himself to a new environment. But you see it now though, don't you?" His gaze shifted away from her, his voice quieting. "How impossible it is not to love him." He seemed to hug his legs tighter to his chest. "And back in Ente Isle, all of us demons felt that way." He met her gaze. "Could you say the same for your own rulers?"

"Wh-what?" Emi stammered, looking for a moment like someone had hit her in the face. She rallied quickly: "What, so you're saying you love him, then?"

"Yes, I love him," Urushihara said, holding her gaze unfalteringly, the sentence coming so easily it seemed to throw her off balance. "And Ashiya loves him," the fallen angel added. "And Chiho loves him. Even Suzuno loves him, you know." Urushihara tilted his head, his mouth curling slightly. "You're the only one still lying to yourself, Yusa."

Emi was livid. "You—!"

"Of course, you're a rebel, so I suppose it makes sense that you can't accept that," Urushihara said, making a shrugging gesture. "It's in your nature to rebel against everything, isn't it? So different from, say, Ashiya—he's a devotee by nature. He's defined by his love, and it's what he lives for."

Urushihara stepped off the swing, tilting his head to the side, his neck cracking. "And then there's Chiho," he continued, yawning as he reached his arms above his head, arching his back slightly in a stretch, "and she just wants someone to take care of her and have eyes only for her. And then there's Suzuno, and she just wants someone to accept her for who she is and not ask her to make any sacrifices."

The fallen angel lowered his arms, sticking his hands into his pockets. "As for me, I'm a trickster; I make a business dealing in the truths that everyone blinds themselves to." He kicked at the tanbark. "The truths that hurt, the truths that sicken, the truths that destroy, even the truths that free."

He tilted his head to look over at her, smiling, the expression halfway between pitying and sadistic. "You're chaining yourself down, Yusa. How long are you going to make yourself miserable struggling against them? But then again," Urushihara smirked slightly, shrugging with his hands, "you're not a hero—you don't define yourself by breaking chains." His smirk grew knowingly, his left eye seeming to glow, even in the dimness. "You're a rebel, and you define yourself by struggling against them."

Emi punched him in the face, hard enough to knock him to the ground. "Shut up, you NEET! You don't know anything!"

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Urushihara was whimpering, curled up on the ground with a hand covering his eye.

Emi pulled back her foot, about to kick him, then grit her teeth and set her foot back down, turning on her heel and stalking away. "You better hope neither Maou nor Ashiya catches wind of the fact that you went outside, Urushihra!"

Urushihara sat up, parting his fingers enough to glare at her through his watering eye. "You're welcome," he muttered.

* * *

"How'd you get that black eye, Urushihara?" Maou asked when he and Ashiya walked in.

"You mean this?" Uurshihara asked, gesturing at the bruising around his left eye apathetically, not even bothering to look away from his computer screen. "Yusa came by, and I may have insulted her a bit."

Maou groaned. "Why would you do that?!"

"I needed her to get close enough that I could attach another tracker somewhere, didn't I?" Urushihara said, his voice flat with weariness. "She smashed the other one. What if she got in trouble again? We need some way to know her whereabouts."

"I think you just like to know everything…" Ashiya muttered, a hand over his face.

"But it's useful to have someone like that around, right?" Uruishara said, finally tilting his head back to look at them. "Whatever would you do without me?"

"Not get as many headaches, probably," Ashiya said.

"Oi!" Urushihara protested, twisting around to stare at them indignantly. "Admit it! You need me!"

"What we need is for you to shut up," Maou said, opening the freezer and grabbing something from the top shelf, tossing it at him.

"Ow!" Urushihra yelped as the cold, hard object hit him in the face. "What was that for, huh?!" he demanded. "What was that for?! I didn't even do anything!"

"Shut up and press that ice pack over your eye, Urushihara," Maou sighed, closing the freezer door.

"Fine," Urushihara muttered, picking up the ice pack and pressing it over his black eye. "You're going to owe me one day, though, when I save your lives again."

"When have you ever saved our lives?" Ashiya asked rhetorically, setting a bag of take-out on the table.

"Plenty of times," Urushihara muttered.

"Uh huh," Ashiya sighed. "Keep deluding yourself."

Urishihara pulled the ice pack away from his face so he could glare at him. "You're _welcome!_ "

"We got a pork bowl from Sugiya's for you, by the way," Maou said, gesturing at the bag of take-out.

Urishara flailed indignantly. "Why is _that_ the only thanks I ever get?! It's unfair! Totally unfair!"

"Eat it and be grateful we got you anything at all," Ashiya said.

"One day this shit is going to make me so sick I'm going to throw up all over the apartment, you know," Urushihara muttered, but he took the food anyway.

* * *

Chiho was knocking on their door.

"Maou-san!" she was calling. "Maou-san!"

Urushihara groaned, pushing himself to his feet and trudging over to the door, pulling it open.

"Maou-san, I brought you—" Chiho started, before stopping when she registered that it was Urushihara. "Oh," she said, face falling in disappointment. "Is Maou-san not here?"

"Nope," Urushihara said, leaning against the doorframe. "Just me."

"Do you know when he'll be back?" Chiho asked, smiling hopefully.

"Not for a while," Urushihara said, rubbing his left eye. The bruise had faded to a light red. "He and Ashiya are both working second jobs again, and they don't get back till late."

Chiho's eyes narrowed. "What did you do, Urushihara-san?!" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips and attempting to look down on him, even though they were the same height.

"Oi!" Urushihara said, lowering his hand from his face and looking at her aggrievedly. "I didn't do anything this time, I swear! The holidays are coming up, and they wanted some extra money to buy presents and shit, or something."

"Oh," Chiho said, the disapproval fading from her features. She smiled. "Well, can you tell him I stopped by, and that I left this bento for him?" She held the box out, still smiling.

"Sure," Urushihara said dully, taking the box. "But Chiho-chan, what are you doing bringing him bento boxes all the time? Do you really think it'll amount to anything?"

"Wh-what?" Chiho blinked at him.

Urushihara stared at her flatly. "You love him," he stated.

Chiho blushed, looking down and clasping her hands. "I-I—"

"What do you want from him, Chiho-chan?" Urushihara asked bluntly, tucking the bento box under one arm as he looked at her, his right eye covered by his violet bangs and his left eye half-lidded and jaded. "For him to be your boyfriend? To pay attention to you alone?"

Chiho's face was red. "I—"

"He could never do that, you know," Urushihara went on. "He's a _demon king._ There are two parts to this." He held up his pointer finger: "One, he's a demon."

"I know that!" Chiho cried, her fists clenched.

"But do you know what it _means?"_ Urushihara said, looking at her flatly. "You can't have a future with him."

Chiho's face scrunched up, her fists shaking. "I—!"

"No, listen to me, it's impossible," Urushihara said, shaking his head. "We may look human right now, but we're _not_ human. We're still demons."

"I _know_ that!" Chiho cried.

"And demons _live a lot longer than humans do,"_ Urushihara said, making her pause and look at him with wide eyes.

"You realize what that means, don't you?" Urushihara said. "You're going to get old, and he's still going to look like a twenty-something year old kid. You can't have a future with someone like that. You can't marry and have kids with someone like that." He gestured indifferently. "And besides, we're going to have to leave here in a few years, whether back to Ente Isla or to somewhere else in this world. 'Cause I mean, it won't be long before it'll become suspicious that none of us are aging, and people are going to notice eventually. There's no way we could stay anywhere in this world for that long. It would require new locations, new identities."

He sighed, tilting his head to look at her. "You realize how impossible your love is, right? He's not going to leave you behind, Chiho— _you_ are going to leave _him_ behind."

Chiho's bottom lip was trembling, her eyes watery. "I—"

"Not to mention he doesn't love you," Urushihara added, causing Chiho's face to go redder and her breath to hitch.

"Not like in the way that you love him, at least," Urushihara elaborated. "He cares about you, but he cares about you as one of his subordinates, not as a lover or a girlfriend or whatever." He made a shrugging gesture with his hands. "He doesn't feel the same attraction to you that you feel to him. It's obvious to anyone not directly involved; as in, to everybody but you."

The tears were slipping down Chiho's reddened cheeks. "You—you don't know that!"

Urushihara ignored her protests, continuing unabated: "Which brings me to my second point," he raised two fingers: "he's a king. He could never—even if he _did_ love you the way that you love him—commit to you the individual attention that you want."

Urushihara looked away from her, something softening in his expression. "He's a king, and he's a damn good one," he said. "He feels responsibility to all his subjects. He cares about all his subjects." Urushihara glanced back at Chiho. "He could never belong to any one person, see."

Chiho was shaking. "I-I—"

"Look," Urushihara sighed, "I know you can't control your emotions, Chiho-chan. But I'm telling you not to delude yourself. Don't pin your life on him. You'll destroy yourself if you do." He leaned his head back against the doorframe, looking up at the ceiling, his tone exasperated. "Why the hell are you still working at that disgusting fast food place anyway? You have dreams, don't you? Staying there just because you love him is the stupidest thing you could possibly do."

He tilted his head to the side, looking back at her. "Do what you want," he stated. "Experience new things. Unlike me, you're not stuck inside all the time. Do you even know how great your position is? How many opportunities you have? Opportunities to go places, see cool things, meet cool people, even fall in love or whatever. Not all of us have those opportunities, but you do."

Chiho was blinking at him. "Urushihara-san…"

The fallen angel shrugged his wingless shoulders, looking away. "So, you know, follow your dreams and whatever—as long as they don't have anything to do with Maou." He glanced at her again, and the wistfulness that had crept into his voice and expression hardened. "You're deluding yourself, Chiho," he said, and his tone had become biting, his expression malevolent. " _Wake up_. Because if you don't give up on Maou…"

Urushihara tilted his head to an uncanny angle, and his grin became insane. "I'll kill you," he said, his tone gleeful and sadistic. "And nobody will ever know."

Chiho took a step back, her entire body trembling, her eyes wide. "Urushihara!" Her eyes narrowed and she stepped forward again, taking her shoulder bag and swinging it at his head. "You—!"

The purse was stopped midair, encased in a violet glow, the glow also sparking over Urushihara's skin, emanating from his eye. "Did you really think I'd let you hit me?!" he grinned maniacally. "I'm a demon, you know. Just like Maou."

The violet glow faded, the purse dropping to the ground, and Urushihara leaned back against the doorframe, his eye falling once again to half-mast. "Now get out," he said. "You don't belong here."

Chiho picked up her bag and clutched it to her chest, taking a step back, watching him with alarmed, watering eyes.

Urushihara tilted his head to look at her. "And if you _really_ loved Maou," he added— "if you loved _him_ and wanted what was best for him, rather than just selfishly wanting him to take care of you because you're too scared to take care of yourself—then you would let him go."

"You—you're horrible!" Chiho cried, clutching her bag and shaking her head, tears flying from her cheeks. "I hate you!"

"So what?" Urushihara said, shrugging listlessly. "Everyone does. But as much as you want to blame me for the way you feel right now, I'm not the one who made the world this way, you know. If you're upset about you being human and Maou being a demon then take it up with God or whatever. But all I did was open your eyes to the truth that you already knew deep down inside yourself."

Chiho finally burst down completely into tears, turning and running out the door, her sandals clunking on her way down the stairs.

Luckily she wasn't Emi, so he didn't have to worry about her falling on the stairs and injuring herself.

Urushihara sighed, stepping back inside the apartment and closing the door. "You're welcome," he muttered, setting Chiho's bento on the table and then slumping back over to his computer.

"Damn," he complained, wearily clicking open the webbrowser. "I'm exhausted."

* * *

There was a knocking at the door.

"Greetings," said Suzuno when Urushihara opened it. "I have brought this bento for Maou." She held out the box.

"Ugh, not you, too," Urushihara groaned, sagging against the doorframe.

Suzuno's eyes narrowed slightly. "I don't understand to what you are referring."

Urushihara sighed, taking the bento box she was still holding out, tucking it under one arm. "Are you in love with him, too, are do you just feel guilty for trying to kill him?" he asked.

Suzuno's eyes widened. "I…" she closed her eyes, bowing her head. "I need to make up for my transgressions," she said.

"Transgressions against Maou?" Urusihara said. "I thought you were trying to kill him 'cause he's the Dark Lord. Why do you care about making up for your transgressions against him?"

"He…" Suzuno looked away, her hair falling into her face. "Even though he's a demon, he's somehow… he's like the older brother I never had," she murmured, heat appearing high on her cheeks. "And I…" Her fists clenched. "To try to defeat him, I ended up hurting his friends… _my_ friends…"

"Oh?" Urushihara said, hiding a yawn behind a hand. "You don't have to worry about it, you know. He doesn't blame you for any of it." He paused. "At least, not now that you've had a change of heart and apologized and everything," he added.

Suzuno staunchly met his gaze. "That doesn't change what I did."

"True," Urushihara conceded. "If you're gonna be sucking up to someone, though, it should be Ashiya." He looked at her pointedly. "If he knew that you're the one who made him so sick he had to go to the hospital, he'd never forgive you for the hospital bill."

Suzuno's eyes widened. "I…" She looked away again. "I'm sorry."

"Oi," Urushihara said, eying her wearily, "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to…" He stared at her for a few moments, and when she still wouldn't look at him, he said: "This is about more than trying to kill us, isn't it?"

Startled, Suzuno looked up at him. "What?"

"Grand Inquisitor Crestia Bell," Urushihara said, a slow smirk crawling over his face. "The Church's Executioner."

Suzuno paled, her eyes widening, tears starting to collect in their corners. "What…?"

"You thought I didn't know?" Urushihara asked, his smirk growing, violet eye glinting. "All the people you killed in the name of the Church. The blood you'll never be able to wash off your hands. I was once involved with the Church too, you know. I know all about the sacrifices they make in the name of the 'greater good.'" The fallen angel rolled his eye. "Of course, by 'greater good' they really just meant themselves."

The water was brimming in Suzuno's eyes. "I…. They…"

"Yeah, they suck," Urushihara said, shrugging, and the smirk faded. "Part of why I decided to throw in with the demons instead," he muttered, almost to himself. "At least when demons screw you over they're _forthright_ about it. None of that bogus 'for the greater good' or 'in the name of God' shit."

Suzuno was staring at him.

He glanced over at her. "What?" he demanded, almost self-consciously. "You knew I was once an angel, right?"

"Yeah…" Suzuno murmured, looking away again. "I just…" Her fists clenched tighter.

"Look," Urushihara said, lethargy settling back over his features, "nobody living in this house gives a shit about what you did. We killed far more humans in Ente Isla than you did, you know. We can't forgive you for doing something that we did worse. If you want forgiveness from someone, confess to Yusa." Lowering his voice slightly, he muttered, "Even though she probably killed more demons than you killed humans, which is basically the same thing." Indignantly but seemingly directed at no one in particular, he said: "We have feelings and people we care about and all that too, you know."

Suzuno stared at him, trying to blink back her tears. "I…"

"What, you scared or something?" Urushihara asked, tilting his head back against the doorframe. "Everything you've been through, and _this_ is what scares you?" His stare was disparaging and bored. "That's pretty pathetic."

Suzuno was shaking. "Take that back," she grit out.

"Why should I?" Urushihara asked, blinking at her, apathetic. "It's true, isn't it? You could kill whoever the Church told you to, but now you can't even face up to it."

Suzuno pulled out her hairpin, her black hair falling loosely down her back, the mallet appearing in her hand. "Take that back!" she shouted, swinging the hammer at him.

"Oi!" Urushihara said, ducking, violet eye wide. "What the hell's wrong with you?! What the hell did I ever do to you?!"

"Take it back!" Suzuno demanded, swinging the hammer at him again.

Urushihara tried to dodge, but the bento box threw off his balance and he wasn't able to move fast enough, the hammer clipping him in the shoulder. "Ow!" he said, stumbling back, dropping the bento box and moving his hand to grip his shoulder. "If you want me to take it back then prove me wrong by talking to Yu—sa" He was clipped again with the hammer, stumbling back and tripping on the mat, crashing to the ground. "Oi!"

"What's going on?"

Suzuno froze mid-swing, straightening and turning to see Maou standing in the doorway, his arms crossed.

"What did Urushihara do now?" Maou asked.

"I didn't do anything!" Urushihara protested, leaning to the side to look at Maou around the edge of Suzuno's kimono. "I swear! I didn't do anything!"

"I…" Suzuno looked down, the mallet returning to its concealed form as a hairpin as she reached up to put her hair back up. "I'm sorry."

"Oi!" Urushihara protested from the ground, pointing accusingly. "He's not the one you should be apologizing to!"

Suzuno didn't even spare him a glance, simply walking over, picking up the bento box from where it had fallen, and handing it to Maou. "It was a mistake to try to leave this with Urushihara," she said, and walked past the demon, heading back to her flat.

Maou blinked, looking after her, then over at Urushihara, who'd curled up against the wall, his arms around his legs and chin resting on his knees.

Maou sighed, stepping inside the apartment and shutting the door. "Explanations, Urushihara?"

"I was getting sick and tired of her guilt," Urushihara mumbled, almost indistinguishably. "It's been months now, you know? It's annoying."

He didn't look at Maou, instead staring at the ground, reaching out and starting to pick at the mat with his fingers. "People are boring when they don't change. She's never going to get over her guilt if she doesn't confront it."

Maou sighed, walking over. "It's hard to tell whether you actually care or if you just enjoy making people miserable," he said, nudging Urushihara's hand with his foot to get him to stop picking at the mat. "Chiho and Emi have both been avoiding me…"

"They'll get over it," Urushihara said, his hand retreating back to his ankles. "It's for the best." He seemed to hunch further, muttering against his knees: "You're too soft on people sometimes, you know."

Maou looked down at him, raising his eyebrows. "Are you saying I've been too soft on you, Urushihara?"

"You kidding?!" Urushihara exclaimed, looking up at him, his eye wide, tone indignant. "My skull is still bruised from the last time you punched me!"

Maou made a shrugging gesture, walking over to set the bento on the counter. "You brought it on yourself, you know."

"You played along," Urushihara muttered, resting his chin on his knees again. "And you're welcome, by the way."

Maou looked at him out of the corner of his eyes. "I don't know what you think I should be thanking you for," he said.

"You'll see one day," Urushihara said as he stood up, brushing himself off. "And then you'll be grateful."

"Yeah, yeah," Maou said, waving a hand dismissively. "Have fun eating Sugiya's for dinner."

"Ehh?!" Urushihara turned to him, staring with wide eyes at the bag of take-out Maou was holding out to him, then back at Maou's smirking face. "What did I do to deserve this?!" Urushihara yelped. "What did I do?!"

"You know better than anyone what you did," Maou said, setting the take-out on the table and then walking over to the bathroom, shutting the door. There was the squeak of the faucet and the rush of running water, the sound of the water being splashed over his face.

"Translation: 'I have no idea what you actually did, but somebody's probably pissed at you,'" Urushihara murmured, clasping his hands behind his head. The corner of his mouth quirked. "Heh."

He grabbed the bag of take-out and sat down in front of his computer, reaching for the mouse.

* * *

The next day when Maou came home from work he walked straight over to where Urushihara was fiddling around on the computer, standing over and looking down at him.

"Okay, seriously, Urushihara," he said. "What did you do?"

Urushihara didn't look at him. "When, where, and to what and/or to whom?" he asked, clicking open a link about…

Giant salamanders.

Maou blinked. "Why are you researching giant salamanders?"

"I'm trying to find the dragons of this world," Urushihara said listlessly, scrolling down the page. "What were you saying about something I did?"

Maou crossed his arms. "Now not only are Chiho and Emi are both completely avoiding me, but Suzuno also seems nervous about something," he stated.

"And _why_ do you think that has anything to do with me?" Urushihara asked, leaning slightly closer to the screen. "Huh," he said. "Japanese giant salamanders are widespread across rivers in the southwest, and they can grow up to 150 centimeters long and weight up to 25 kilograms."

"Urushihara," Maou said. "Don't play dumb with me."

Urushihara tilted his head up to look at him. "I didn't do anything to them," he said, before looking back at the screen, clicking on a picture of someone holding a giant salamander in both arms. "I just spoke the truths they didn't want to hear."

He clicked back to the search results, scrolling down, his eye scanning over the webpages. "Oi, it's for their own good," he said. His eye widened slightly, and he clicked on the link to an article titled 'Scientists find a 200 year old giant salamander just chilling'.

"Yours too," Urushihara added, even as he scanned the article. "You all should be thanking me."

"We'll see," Maou said, turning away. His voice darkened. "If you hurt any of them…"

"It's not my fault if they want to wallow in misery and denial, you know!" Urushihara called after him. "That's all on them!"

Maou waved a hand dismissively, opening the fridge and crouching down to examine the meager contents.

"Oi," Urushihara mumbled under his breath. "That genius really is good at pretending to be clueless." The corner of his mouth quirked. "Heh."

"Did you say something, Urushihara?!" Maou demanded.

"I didn't say anything!" Urushihara said aggrievedly. "Stop blaming me for figments of your imagination, seriously!"

A moment later he was blinking and clicking on an article titled 'Say hello to the centipede from hell'.

"Aww," he said when he saw the photo. "That's not nearly as creepy as I'd hoped! And it's not even actually from hell, either, just in deep caves. Damn."

"Huh?" Maou said, walking back over taking bites from a honey-covered cucumber.

"Just a centipede," Urushihara said, gesturing at the screen. "They said it was from hell, and I thought maybe there'd be something about demons and magic, but it turns out it was just false advertising to try to get people to click the link and read the article."

"False advertising, huh," Maou said, looking over Urushihara's shoulder at the article, his expression darkening. "That's evil."

"Yeah," Urushihara sighed, "I know right? Researching on the internet is a lot more difficult than it seems…"

"What's going on?" Ashiya asked as he came in, toeing off his shoes and walking over to where they were crowded around the computer.

"Oh," Maou said, turning to him and pointing at the computer screen, "Urushihara was looking for information on the demons of this world but instead he found a centipede."

Ashiya looked at the picture and blanched, quickly looking away again, covering his mouth a hand. "That's… that's revolting…" he said, sounding queasy.

"Huhh?" Urushihara asked, turning to look at him incredulously. "Aren't you a scorpion demon? Aren't scorpions and centipedes related or something?"

"Don't compare me to that thing!" Ashiya cried.

Urushihara looked at him, tilting his head. "So are you also scared of—"

"Uushihara also found small dragons that live in Japan," Maou offered.

Ashiya blinked. "Dragons? Really?"

Urushihara groaned. " _Salamanders,_ okay? They're giant _salamanders._ " But he clicked open one of the links anyway.

* * *

There was a knocking at the door, and Urushihara groaned, tiredly pushing himself to his feet to go open it.

"Hello? Is anybody home?"

Urushihara opened the door, demanding: "Who are—oh." He blinked at the girl standing there. "You're Emi's coworker, right? Rika Suzuki?" he said, leaning against the doorframe. "What are you doing here? You looking for Maou, too?"

"How do you know who I am?" Rika asked, her eyes narrowing. "And also, who are _you_ , anyway? I wasn't told about you." She reached out to try to touch his hair. "Did you just get that dyed? It's really vibrant."

Urushihara leaned back so she couldn't touch him, slapping her hand away. "Name's Hanzou Urushihara, and Ashiya and Maou mentioned you," he said. "And don't just try to touch someone's hair when you just met them!"

"Sorry, it just looks so soft, despite being dyed," she said, pulling her hand back and smiling at him. "Anyways, I was looking for Ashiya. Is he here?"

"Nope," Urushihara said, settling back against the doorframe, his arms crossed. "But I can take a message. There somethin' you want me to let him know?"

"Uh…" Rika said, looking away and scratching at her cheek.

"I'm like the human answering machine, since I'm always here," Urushihara said. He made a listless gesture. "Since I'm a shut-in and all."

Rika looked back at him, smiling bashfully. "Could you just tell him to contact me when he has the time?"

"Sure," Urushihara said. "But if you're looking to date him, you should give it up."

Rika's face went red with a combination of embarrassment and anger. "You have no right to—!" she started, glaring daggers at him.

Urushihara remained unfazed. "He's gay," he said.

Rika blinked, pulling back. "Wh-what?"

"He's gay," Urushihara stated again. "And deeply, hopelessly head-over-heels in love with Maou. Like, he practically worships the guy." He looked at her significantly. "You've seen the way he lights up whenever he talks about Maou, right?"

"I…. He…" Rika tried, her eyes wide. She shook head, cleared her throat, tried again: "But… is Maou even…?"

"Is Maou gay?" Urushihara finished the thought for her. "Nah, he's straight. So they'll never end up together." He shrugged, as if none of it concerned him. "Just like you and Ashiya will never end up together."

"You…" Rika was staring at him with anger heating her cheeks and tears collecting in her eyes. "You're horrible…"

Urushihara looked at her, lethargic and uncomprehending. "Why?" he asked. "For telling you the truth now before you get yourself too involved? You were going to find out eventually. But it hurts less now then it would hurt later, right?" He sighed, making a shrugging gesture with his hands. "I'm just trying to save you and everyone else from getting caught up in an unnecessary tragic romcom, you know."

Rika cleared her throat again, before saying thickly: "Do Ashiya and Maou know that…?"

"That Ashiya loves Maou but Maou could never love Ashiya in the same way?" Urushihara guessed, and when she nodded he answered, "Yeah, they know." He shrugged again. "They go way back and have hashed it out already. Maou lets Ashiya care for him as long as nothing romantic or sexual or whatever is involved, and Ashiya gets to live with the guy he loves and make sure he doesn't ruin his health eating fastfood all the time."

Rika looked at him, emotions conflicting on her face. "That's…"

"Cute? Tragic? Pathetic? All of the above?" Urushihara said, letting his head rest against the doorframe. "Yeah, pretty much. They both seem content with the way things are, though, so, you know." He made another shrugging gesture. "And its enough of a nonissue that they even took me in when I had nowhere to go, and they let me room with them and it's not a problem or anything." He looked down at the floor for a moment, a brief smile ghosting over his face before fading away again.

He looked back up at her. "A girl like you shouldn't get caught up in their weird…" he gestured vaguely, "whatever it is, though."

"A girl like me?" Rika asked, narrowing her eyes.

"You know," Urushihara said, gesturing in her direction. "Nice, pretty, looking towards a successful future or whatever." He met her gaze awkwardly, splaying his hands in front of him, saying, "I'm trying to be nice and say that you shouldn't ruin your life by getting yourself caught up on some gay homemaker."

She looked like she might yell at him, so he offered: "But if I'm failing at that I suppose I could try just being mean and brushing you off, though."

Rika looked away. "You… you're not just lying to me, are you?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly.

"You kidding?" Urushihara groaned, covering the left side of his face with a hand. "Lying is _way_ too much work. Like I'd actually care enough to bother with that. I'm just trying to save myself grief later." He looked at her through his fingers. "I mean, wouldn't you be pissed at me if you found out in the future that Ashiya was gay and I hadn't told you now when I could have?"

He groaned again, sliding slightly down the doorframe. "You'd totally blame me for it," he mumbled, bringing both hands up over his face, "and then everyone else would blame me for you being upset, and it would suck." He slid farther down the doorframe till he was crouched at the bottom. "I mean, everybody already hates me…"

Rika had closed her eyes been shaking, her fists clenched, but at that she finally opened her eyes and snapped, "I can see why! You just enjoy making other people miserable, don't you?! You're disgusting!" before turning on her heel and storming out.

"You're welcome," Urushihara muttered, watching her go through the cracks between his fingers. "Ugh." He stood up tiredly, turning and slumping back into the apartment, closing the door. "People have no sense of perspective…"

* * *

There was a stomping up the stairs, a stomping down the hall, a banging at the door.

"Maou!" Emi said loudly, the door shuddering with the force of her fist. "Open up!"

"Ugh, what now?" Maou groaned, putting down the book he was reading and walking over, opening the door warily. "All you ever bring is trouble…"

Emi pointed accusingly past him at where Urushihara was sitting at the computer. "Never, _ever_ let anyone be alone with Urushihara," she told Maou, locking his gaze. " _Ever_."

"Huhh?" Maou said, looking at her skeptically. "Why?"

"Yeah, why?" Urushihara asked, leaning back on his arms and tilting his head to look over at them.

"He's evil," Emi stated, crossing her arms and standing there steadfastly, completely ignoring Urushihara to glare at Maou.

"Oi, I'm half-angel, you know!" Urushihara pointed out.

"He's—" Emi started to tell Maou, only to pause, blinking. "Wait," she said, looking around Maou's shoulder at Urushihara. "You're only _half_ angel?"

"What, you thought I was full angel or something?" Urushihara said, snorting. "No way, I'm not that lame." He tilted his head back further, grinning. "I'm half-demon, you know."

Emi stared at him. "That explains so much," she said.

"Hey!" Maou protested, stepping back into her gaze, indignation on his face. "Apologize to all the demons of the world!"

"Oi!" Urushihara protested, finally just turning around so he look straight at them, his expression incredulous. "Are you saying I'm worse than all the other demons or something?!"

"No way am I apologizing!" Emi told Maou, ignoring Urushihara again. "You're all evil!"

"Then why am I the one being singled out here?!" Urushihara demanded indignantly.

Emi shifted her gaze back to him. "Because you—" She broke off, clenching her fists and stomping her foot. "You _know_ why!"

"Uh, but I don't," Maou said, stepping back in front of her gaze again. He smiled awkwardly. "Mind explaining exactly what Urushihara's done to make you so upset?" His expression sobered, and he straightened his stance, crossing his arms over his chest and saying seriously: "He's my underling, after all, so it's my responsibility to fix whatever he's done."

"I haven't done anything!" Urushihara protested from the room behind him. "I haven't done anything at all!"

Emi tried to glare at the fallen angel, but Maou was standing resolutely in the way. "He—" Emi started, before breaking off again, gritting her teeth. "Damn it, I don't have to explain myself to you!" she said, tossing her head and glaring at Maou.

"No, but how am I supposed to either fix what he's done or punish him for it if I don't know what he's done?" Maou said, trying to be reasonable.

"I told you, I haven't done anything!" Urushihara protested again.

Emi tried to glare at him again, except Maou was still in the way. "Just—" she started, then let out a noise of frustration. "Ugh!" She turned on her heel, starting to walk back towards the stairs. "It doesn't matter! Just don't let him be alone with anyone, you hear?!"

"By 'anyone' do you also mean me and Ashiya?" Maou asked wryly. "Because there's absolutely no way we can both be here all the time, you know."

Emi whirled around to glare at him. "Not you and Ashiya," she said, "just—ugh!" She threw up her hands in vexation. "Forget it! Just—keep him away from humans, okay?!" She turned to go again.

"You're making it sound like I'm a pervert or something," Urushihara complained. Raising his voice further, he yelled after her: "I'm not that lecher Sariel, you know!"

"Or better yet, put a muzzle on him so he can't talk!" Emi said, before stepping out on the deck and stomping down the stairs.

"Oi, that's mean!" Urushihara protested. "I'm not a dog! And why would I need a muzzle?! I don't bite or anything like that!" Lowering his voice and glowering at the ground, he muttered: "Now it sounds like I'm some sort of cannibal…"

"Don't fall!" Maou called after the hero.

"I can fucking _walk down stairs_ , Maou!" she yelled from outside.

Maou sighed, closing the apartment door and turning around to face the sulking half-demon. "Urushihara…"

"What?!" Urushihara demanded, looking at him indignantly. "I haven't done anything! Not anything at all!"

Maou looked at him blandly. "Emi seems to think that you did."

Urushihara returned the bland expression, adding in a touch of resentment. "Yeah, well, Emi also thinks that you're evil incarnate and deserve to be killed, so. I wouldn't trust her character judgments too much."

Maou stared at him for a moment, and then a slow smirk spread over his features. "Did you just compliment me?"

Urushihara blinked. "I guess I just insinuated that you're not evil incarnate and don't deserve to be killed."

Maou's smirk sharpened. "Heh."

Urushihara's just looked at him flatly. "If you're that happy about that then that's pretty sad," he said, his tone drawling and sardonic. "Ashiya's clearly been slacking on his job of boosting your ego."

"Say, though," Maou said, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. "Weren't you the one who tried to kill me awhile back?"

The blandness of Urushihara's expression intensified to such a degree that it went right off the scale of apathy and straight onto the scale of enervation. "Just because I tried to kill you doesn't necessarily mean that I thought you deserved to die, you know," he said, his tone so uninvolved and languid that he appeared to be on the verge of falling asleep. "Don't conflate things that aren't actually the same."

Urushihara rolled his eye, but because his eyelid was at half-mast it caused his pupil to disappeared for a moment behind it so that only the white of his eye was visible. "Besides, just because I _seemed_ to be trying to kill you doesn't mean that I was _actually_ , you know, hoping that I would actually be able to kill you," he said, his indolence completely metamorphosed into a zombified somnolence.

Maou's fierce smirk remained unabated. "It would've reflected pretty badly on you if you'd been able to kill the king you'd been following for years," he remarked, his tone smug.

Urushihara blinked at him sleepily. "Exactly."

"And teaming up with someone as pathetic as Archbishop Olba Meyer…" Maou continued, his smirk growing impossibly sharper.

Urushihara's face lost all traces of lethargy. "Right?!" he exclaimed. "He's a loser!"

"Heh," Maou said, and his smirk softened. "Don't think you can slip anything by me, Urushihara."

The blandness fell back over Urushihara's features. "Like I've ever thought that," he snorted.

Maou sighed, and the smirk finally left his face. He groaned, reaching his arms above his head, his back cracking. "Try not to piss Emi off too much, though," he said, slumping down to sit on the ground, his expression weary. He gestured at himself, almost in exasperation. "When she gets mad, it's me she takes it out on."

"You kidding?!" Urushihara demanded, animated and indignant again. "She's tried to kill me at least as many times as she's tried to kill you, if not more! And who do you think you and Ashiya both take your anger out on, huh?!"

Maou looked at him gravely. "Yeah, so be careful," he said. "I wouldn't want to have to hurt you too badly."

The energy drained out of Urushihara again. "Yeah yeah," he said, turning back around to his computer, waving a hand disparagingly. "Whatever."

* * *

Maou came back from work one day looking dazed, his movements slow and lurching, his gaze glazed over; like a sleepwalker.

"Urushihara…" he said hazily as he crossed over, his movements light and halting.

"Huh?" Urushihara said, glancing over at him in bemusement. "What's with you?"

Maou was staring at nothing in particular. "Chiho-chan told me she has a boyfriend now…"

"That's pretty normal for a teenage girl," Urushihara said, turning back to his computer screen, his vigilance quickly replaced by disinterest.

Maou put a hand on the wall to steady himself, looking down at the ground like it was squirming beneath his feet. "And Emi told me she doesn't hate me and she no longer wants to kill me…"

"Oh?" Urushihara said, not looking away from whatever he was doing on the laptop and sounding only moderately intrigued. "That's a surprise." He kept clicking the mouse with his right hand, his left hand tapping on the arrow keys.

"And she and Suzuno seem a lot closer now…" Maou continued, clenching his eyes shut, rubbing his forehead with the hand that wasn't supporting him against the wall.

"And that's worthy of note _why?_ " Urushihara said exasperatedly, still clicking and tapping away.

Maou turned his head to look over at him. "Urushihara…"

"What?" Urushihara asked halfheartedly, the mouse brushing over the desk, keys clicking.

Maou looked away. "Nothing."

"Oh," Urushihara said, blinking at the computer. "I died." The _Game Over_ message flashed over the screen, reflected on the surface of his cornea. "Damn."

* * *

There was a knocking at the door.

Urushihara, playing on his PASTA console, glanced over at it quickly, then back at the screen, his fingers skittering over the controls.

The knocking came again.

"Urushihara-san," Chiho called. "I know you're there!"

Urushihara glanced at the door, back at his console, then slowly got up, still pressing buttons as he walked slowly over to the door, not looking away from his game.

"Urushihara-san!" Chiho called.

He managed to open the door with one hand. "What?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe, still intently playing his game.

Chiho stood there with her hands clasped behind her back, looking down, a light blush on her cheeks. "I just wanted to apologize for saying—"

Urushihara hadn't so much as looked at her. "Whatever it is, could it wait?" he asked, still intently pressing buttons on the game console. "I'm trying to beat this boss monster—"

"Urushihara-san!" Chiho said, and when he still wouldn't look at her she reached out and ripped the game console away from him. She was visibly upset. "I'm just trying to tell you that—"

"Whoa whoa, wait!" Urushihara cried, lunging desperately for the game console, his violet eye wide and panicked. "What are you doing?!" he demanded when she moved it away. "Give that back! Give it _back!_ "

She tried to hold it out of his reach, but since they were the same height, he was able to reach it and rip it back. "Damn it!" he cried, looking at the screen and groaning, a raising a hand to slap it over his face, covering his eye. "Now you've _killed_ me!" He lowered his hand, glaring at her. "Do you even know how long it took me to get that far?!"

Chiho crossed her arms, glaring back at him. "You should listen when people are trying to apologize to you!" she said.

"And you should listen when people are telling you to wait while they finish something!" Urushihara fired back.

Chiho glared at him, trembling in indignation, her fists clenched. "Hmph," she said, unclenching her fists and turning on her heel, crossing her arms. "Fine. I won't apologize for the mean things I said or tell you that I understand now why you said those mean things to me." She stomped towards the stairs.

"You're the one who really should've been apologizing to me, you know!" she called, turning to glare at him once more before turning back and stomping down the stairs. "Stupid Urushihara-san!"

"Oi," Urushihara said lethargically, staring at the doorway to the complex dully for a moment before stepping back inside the apartment and shutting the door.

He looked down at the _Game Over_ screen on the game console, facepalming in frustration. "Now I have to play the level _all over_ again…" he groaned.

* * *

Urushihara really hated it when people knocked at the door and he was the only one home to answer it.

"What is it?" he asked in annoyance, opening the door to see Suzuno standing there. He stared at her, halfway between wary and weary. "You're not going to try to get me to cook again are you?" His eyelid lowered further, and he whined: "I don't want to."

Suzuno just looked at him, straight-faced. "I wanted to thank you for your advice about talking to Yusa," she said.

Urushihara looked at her indifferently. "Save it," he said, leaning against the doorframe and waving a hand dismissively. "If you wanna thank someone, thank yourself, or Yusa."

Suzuno shook her head. "No, I wanted to thank you—"

"I don't want it," Urushihara cut her off, tilting his head and looking at her lifelessly. "Go give your thanks to someone who actually cares."

Suzuno's eyes narrowed. "You should be gracious enough to accept thanks when it's given to you," she stated.

Urushihara exhaled tiredly, letting his head fall back against the doorframe. "I don't care, okay?" he said, exasperated and weary. He blinked listlessly up at the ceiling. "Just let me be already."

"That is incredibly inconsiderate," Suzuno stated.

Urushihara looked back at her, apathetic. "Nothing new there, right?" he said.

"Fine," Suzuno said expressionlessly. "If you won't accept my thanks, then I'm taking my leave."

"Please do," Urushihara said, and made a spiritless shooing motion.

Suzuno turned and walked back to her flat, and Urushihara shut the door and walked over to sit back in front of his computer.

* * *

There was a rapping at the door, and Urushihara was the only one there to answer it.

"Urushihara," came Emi's voice. "Open up."

Urushihara groaned, rising to his feet and slumping over, reluctantly opening the door. "What is now, Yusa?" he asked, looking at her dully. "I thought you said I shouldn't be alone with anyone human."

"I'm half-angel," Emi pointed out.

Urushihara just looked at her jadedly. "Oh, so you don't count as human, just like I don't count as a demon?"

"I'm only going to say this once, so listen up," Emi said, looking down at him, her hands on her hips. "I'm sorry for what I said about you the other day, and I—" she broke off, looking away, a bit of color coming into her cheeks, her arms lowering to her sides and clenching into frustrated fists. "I want to thank you for… for keeping an eye on the situation with Rika…" She could barely get the words out of her mouth, her face twisted half in anger and half in something else. "It would've been bad if she'd gotten herself involved with Ashiya…"

Urushihara leaned against the doorframe and smirked. "It finally occurring to you that the Devil King is way kinder than you are even though you're supposed to be the hero?" he asked, smirk pulling into a devilish grin, violet eye widening, tone becoming imperious and condescending. "'Cause you're failing at even pulling even with him; he's way better at thanking people."

Emi went livid. "I am going to _kill you_ ," she said, pulling out her sacred sword and falling into a fighting stance, her green eyes narrowed and sparking with fury.

The grin disappeared from Urushihara's face, replaced with wide-eyed alarm. "Oi, can you stop taking out all your anger and denial on me already?!" he cried as he hurriedly stepped back, raising his hands in front of him. His expression was half frightened, half indignant. "You and everyone else!"

"What was that, you Fallen Angel?!" Emi snarled, stepping towards him, her sword raising.

"Don't label me like that!" Urushihara cried.

"What's going on here?" Maou had appeared in the doorway, his hands on his hips and his head cocked, red-brown eyes flashing.

"She's trying to kill me!" Urushihara cried, pointing at Emi.

"He's pissing me off!" Emi cried, pointing at Urushihara with her sword.

Maou sighed, rubbing his forehead with a hand. "Emi, didn't you say that nobody but me and Ashiya should ever be alone with him?" he said wearily. He looked at her around the edge of his hand, his eyes exasperated. "And please stop taking that sword out. You could really hurt someone with that thing."

Emi stepped away from Urushihara, flustered. "Yes, well, I—" She shook her head, anger returning to her features. "Damn it!" she said, even as she put the sword away. She strode past Maou, pausing only to point accusingly at Urushihara. "You better keep an eye on him, Maou!" she growled. "Just because I've decided that I possibly don't need to kill you doesn't mean I feel the same the same way about him!"

With that she spun around, her long magenta hair fluttering behind her, and strode to the exit.

Maou looked after her wearily. "Be careful on the stairs—"

"Aaaahhh!"

Maou winced, walking over to stick his head out the front doorway, asking: "Are you okay?"

He had to pull back inside a moment later to dodge a rock that was hurled at his head.

"Yes! I'm fine!" Emi shouted, irrate. "I caught myself this time, so just—I'm fine!"

"Okay…" Maou said, his eyes falling to half-mast, leaning back against the wall and sighing. He pushed himself off the wall and walked back to the apartment, toeing off his shoes and closing the door behind him.

"Aaaaand she's gone," Urushihara said, watching the progress of her tracker on the neighborhood map.

"Urushihara…" Maou sighed.

"What?" Urushihara asked, glancing over at him. "She sucks at apologies."

Maou stared at him flatly. "Do you even _accept_ apologies?" he asked dubiously.

Urushihara just looked at him. "Why don't you try it and see?"

"No way," Maou snorted, shaking his head. "I don't have anything to apologize to you for."

Urushihara turned back to the computer. "She also sucks at thanking people," he said.

Maou blinked at him, then sighed, crossing his arms. "She does, yeah," he relented.

* * *

Urushihara was again the only one at the apartment when there was a knocking at the door.

The half-angel groaned. "I'm starting to suspect that they're all doing it on purpose," he muttered, morosely poking his computer mouse.

"Hey, Urushihara," came Rika's voice. "Are you there? I was told that you're here all the time."

Urushihara groaned and stood up, walking over to the door and pulling it open. "What is it now?" he asked dully.

Rika straightened, looking him in the eye, her expression determined. "I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you the other week," she said, "and actually thank you for—"

Urushihara just stared at her. "Yeah bye," he said, and started to close the door.

"Hey!" Rika said, sticking her foot in the door so he couldn't close it, glaring him. "I'm trying to talk to you!"

"I don't want to talk to you!" Urushihara exclaimed, his expression indignant and almost frightened, his eye wide. "Because of you, Emi chewed both me and Maou out, and then Maou chewed me out some more! And if I talk to you now they'll just do it again!"

"You idiot, I was trying to apologize and thank you for what you told me!" Rika said angrily, still not letting him shut the door.

"Forget it!" Urushihara cried, but he stopped trying to force the door closed, stepping back and throwing up his hands in frustration. "I was just trying to save myself grief, okay?! And it didn't even work, so, whatever." He slumped, looking at her lifelessly. "If that's all you came to say then can just go."

"Ugh, you really are horrible," Rika stated, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes at him. "I don't know how Ashiya puts up with you."

"He doesn't," Urushihara said tonelessly. "He's always yelling at me for stuff."

"I can see why," Rika said, still looking at him disparagingly. "Fine, then." She gestured flippantly, turning to leave. "Continue with living out your miserable life leeching off people who are way more competent than you."

"That's part of being a first-class NEET, you know!" Urushihara called after her.

She left and he closed the door, slumping against it. "Ugh," he said, letting his head fall back against the wood, his arms resting over his drawn-up knees. "People are exhausting."

He pushed himself up and walked over to sit back down in front of his computer. "See, this is why I'm a shut-in…"

* * *

"Nnn," Urushihara groaned, lying facedown on the floor, his arms stretched out limp in front of him. "Why does everyone hate me so much?"

Maou and Ashiya were sitting at the table, eating udon.

Chopsticks paused partway to his mouth, Maou glanced over dispassionately at the fallen angel. "Why do you think, Urushihara?"

"'Cause I'm a useless shut-in and a social reject?" Urushihara mumbled against the floor.

Maou just stared at him, his eyelids lowering. "It's more than that…"

"What more is it?!" Urushihara cried incredulously, lifting his head to look at them, eye wide and hair mussed.

"For one, you're untrustworthy," Ashiya stated without looking at him, lifting another bite of udon into his mouth.

"Why?!" Urushihara demanded, pushing himself into a sitting position, his expression alarmed and indignant, fingers clenching the fabric of his shorts. "Why am I untrustworthy?! What have I ever done?!"

Maou's eyelids lowered further. "Loaded question…" he muttered, turning back to his dinner.

"And your attitude sucks," Ashiya added, and lifted more noodles into his mouth, chewing nonchalantly.

"It's not my fault I was born this way!" Urushihara cried, looking harried, fingers fisting tighter in his shorts.

Ashiya whirled around to point at him accusingly with his chopsticks. "That is not an excuse for your behavior!"

Maou was boredly picking at his udon. "I'm on the right track baby, I was born this waa-aaay!" he sang, lifting a pinch of udon over his head and dropping it into his mouth.

Ashiya and Urushihara froze, turning slowly to look at him.

"Uh…" Urushihara trailed off, staring at him flatly for a moment before facepalming.

"Maou-sama…" Ashiya said cautiously, his expression halfway between disbelieving and concerned. "Are you singing Lady Gaga?"

Maou just blinked at them. "Yeah, so what?" he mumbled through a mouthful of udon, noodles trailing over his chin. He sucked them into his mouth, tongue sweeping over his lower lip.

Urushihara looked at him incredulously through his fingers. "You're embarrassing us…" he muttered, flopping back onto the ground and throwing and arm over his face, aggrievedly adding: _"again…"_

"Hypocrite," Ashiya muttered, but his face was also obscured behind his hand.

* * *

"Come over here and help with the laundry, Urushihara," Ashiya had said.

"No way in hell," Urushihara had said, continuing to do whatever he was doing on the computer.

Ashiya paused in hanging up the laundry to turn and look at the fallen angel, his expression simultaneously fed up and at a loss.

"What is it?" Urushihara asked, not looking away from whatever he was doing on the computer. "I can feel you staring at me, you know."

Ashiya sighed. "Why do you act like this, Lucifer?" he asked.

"Huhh?" Urushihara said, glancing over at him, violet eye narrowing. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't used to be like this," Ashiya said.

Urushihara turned back to his laptop. "Like what?" he asked, moving the mouse, clicking again.

Ashiya closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly. "No, you always had an attitude," he amended, mostly to himself. "But you didn't used to always be so adverse to helping out or doing work."

He opened his yellow-brown eyes and looked at Urushihara again. "What happened to Satan-sama's Master of Chaos?"

Urushihara tilted his head, glancing at Ashiya out of the corner of a violet eye. "And you didn't always used to be such an idiot, Alciel," he said, eyelid lowering languidly. "Whatever happened to Satan-sama's Master Tactician?"

Ashiya's eyes widened slightly, and then he looked down and to the side, eyes closing, a small smile of understanding appearing on his lips. "I see," he said, opening his eyes to look at the half-demon again, his expression softened. "All three of us have changed, haven't we. And yet we also haven't."

The skin around Urushihara's eyes relaxed, along with the line of his mouth. "'Different world, different rules, different tools,'" he recited, turning back to his laptop, but his gaze didn't focus on the screen. "That's what Maou said."

Ashiya closed his eyes and looked down again, a hand coming up to press over his chest, soft smile still lightening his features. "Maou-sama was right."

"He was, yeah," Urushihara agreed quietly. He tilted his head to look over at Ashiya again, saying louder: "So don't mess things up for me, got it?"

Ashiya opened his eyes, meeting the violet gaze. "As if I even could, were I ever so foolish as to try," he said. A certain smugness came over his face, inflecting his tone as he continued: "I think I know better than that."

"Yeah, I kinda figured," Urushihara said, looking back at his computer again, and his tone may have been dry but his expression was relaxed.

"Good," Ashiya said, and picked up a freshly washed shirt. "Now come over here and help with the laundry."

Urushihara's mouth quirked. "No way in hell," he said, and reached for his mouse.

* * *

It was just the two of them in the apartment trying not to die from the summer heat when out of nowhere Maou said: "Thank you, Urushihara."

Urushihara blinked. "Huh?" he said, turning to look at him. "For what?"

Maou was sitting at the table, but his book was lying face-down on the wood and his red-brown eyes, glinting with a fierce intelligence, were trained on Urushihara. "For everything you've done without anyone else realizing it."

Urushihara stared at him for a few moments, his expression blank, before a small smirk curled over his face. "Careful," he drawled, tilting his head, something like amusement glittering in his left eye. "I could fall in love with you, you know. And then no one around here would be sane."

"Too late," Maou said, and grinned fiendishly. "You're already insane."

Urushihara's expression fell into one of indignation. "Am not!"

Maou just looked at him, unimpressed. "You make people hate you and let them beat you up instead of letting them know that you've helped them."

Urushihara made a shrugging gesture. "My actions wouldn't be effective, otherwise," he said, turning back to his computer, stretching his arms up above his head and arching his back, yawning: "And my endurance is awesome, you know; I mean, I even survived Yusa's sacred sword."

He relaxed, leaning back and propping himself up on his arms, looking up at the ceiling. "Besides," he said, his tone quieter, "I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for me."

He tilted his head back to look at Maou again. "Why do you think I left Heaven?" he asked, and his stare was soulless and sterile.

Maou stared back, unflinching. "I always knew why you left Heaven."

"Oh?" Urushihara's tone was as vacant as his eyes. "So why did I leave?"

The slanting afternoon sunlight seemed to intensify the red in Maou's eyes. "Because it was boring."

For a moment there was no sound but the droning of summer insects, the silence as oppressive as the heat.

And then the life surged back into Urushihara's eyes, and he was on his feet, bursting out, "You have no _idea_ how boring it was! You've never lived there so you can't say that you know!" His violet eyes were wide and he was shaking his head, his hands clawing at his hair. "It was torture! I was going insane! _You don't understand how horrible it was!"_

Maou had stood up and was watching him, conscientious and analyzing.

The half-angel had dropped to his knees, staring down at the ground through his fingers, shaking minutely. "You just _sit there_ and _stare into space_ while your _sanity_ slips away from you and you can't even muster up the energy to _care…_ "

Maou crossed over, placing a hand on the half-demon's head. "Don't worry, Urushihara," he said. "Even if they did want to take you back, I wouldn't let them."

Urushihara tilted his head back to look up at him, his gaze appraising, and Maou grinned down at him.

"You're my underling, after all," said Maou with glowing red eyes, and his grin was dark and diabolic. "I don't just let my underlings go."

The fallen angel stared at him. "You're terrifying," he stated.

The demon took a step back, grinning at him knowingly.

"You're welcome," he said.

* * *

 **End.**

* * *

 **AN:** Information about giant salamanders from Wikipedia. Both the news articles referenced - the one about the salamanders and the one about the centipedes - are real articles from _The Washington Post_ which I stumbled across while browsing the web.


End file.
